Losing Yourself in a Marriage

You may wonder, how do you lose yourself in a marriage? Well, some of you may have experienced what it means to lose yourself in a marriage. For some people, it may take some time before you realize this. When you realize it, it may hit you hard. Losing yourself in a marriage can lead to an existential crisis and your life may become less fulfilling as well.

We advise you to persevere to find yourself and know what you want in life before getting married. If you want a lasting and sustainable marriage, then you must look after your mental health. It is important that you know what you want in life and remain steadfast to your goals throughout your conjugal life.

What does it mean to lose yourself? 

Losing yourself doesn’t mean you’re losing your identity. Rather, it means you lose the connection to yourself. Many people may use these interchangeably, but they have different meanings. Losing yourself means letting go of everything that the almighty told us not to be for everything he has called everyone to be. 

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You need to be aware of your desires & needs that make you unique from other individuals. A few signs that show you’re losing yourself within your marriage are:

  • You keep on ignoring your desires in your relationship.  
  • You understand that your relationship keeps on bringing you down
  • You constantly seek your partner’s approval instead of being true to yourself.
  • You seek happiness from your partner rather than being happy with who you are.
  • You don’t have any interest in pursuing your dreams & goals. Instead, give more attention to your partner.
Losing Yourself in a Marriage

Why do I lose myself in a relationship?

The major reason you end up losing yourself in a marriage is because of attachment. You become overly attached to your partner and remain under the impression that they can fill up the void within you. There are many researches that say the feeling of emptiness within you begins at birth.

This is because we all felt whole inside our mother’s womb. Our feelings of emptiness started as we were born and got separated from our mothers. So most of us have been searching for this wholeness throughout our lives.  

Fact: A fascinating fact about being attached to your significant other is, you long for yourself rather than your partner.

Losing yourself in a marriage

As humans, we inherently want to do things that feel good. We want to chase this feeling constantly. At the beginning of your marriage, everything would seem perfect. As time goes by and both of you get comfortable, you still seek the same feeling. If you keep chasing happiness with other people, then you’ll only end up getting disappointed. This will inevitably take you farther away from yourself. 

This may give you a good guide: 7 Bad Marriage Advice That Will Actually Make Your Life Better

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How do you find yourself?  

If you’ve lost yourself in a marriage, then you need to know how to connect to yourself again.

1. You need to practice prioritizing yourself

You need to get in touch with yourself regularly and connect to your necessities during your everyday life. You can follow the tips below to find yourself again.

  • You can question yourself regularly, “What am I seeking today?”

You need to check on yourself and plan what you want to do throughout the day. This includes –

  1. Going to work regularly
  2. Leading an active lifestyle
  3. Taking your meals on time
  4. Interacting with everyone around you

You need to listen to your needs and do what’s best for you. It would be best if you talk to your partner about it. Talking to your partner about your desires and needs would make it easier for you to prioritize yourself and develop a sense of yourself. Make it a habit to talk to yourself, asking what you need during the day.

You may ask yourself questions such as –

“What are my needs at this moment?”

“Do I need this right now?”

“What are my desires now?”

If you constantly prioritize your partner’s requirements before your own, then you need to take some time and evaluate on how to have a balance between yourself and your partner.  

How to recover from losing yourself within a relationship?

2. Act as your own parent

Growing up, if your parents weren’t attentive towards your needs, then you need to act as your own parent as you grow up. You can start doing the following things when you act as your ‘ideal parent’ –

  • Start exploring life

You may begin by giving yourself a pat on the back for every accomplishment. It is important that you’re compassionate towards yourself. You must learn to love yourself unconditionally.

  • Get to know & understand yourself

It is a necessity for you to know yourself and respond accordingly to your life. We all have strengths and weaknesses. Understand this and make the most of your strengths. While you can also work on overcoming your weaknesses.

It is vital for you to become your best advocate. Talk to yourself, respond to your needs and do what’s in your best interest. You need to understand and acknowledge that you’re special.  

  • Learn to practice self-care

You should never expect your partner to satisfy all your needs. Rather, do what it takes to fulfill your needs and desires. Make time for yourself to eat out somewhere. You need to listen to your body. It is important that you do not compare yourself to anyone else.

You need to bring a balance between the relationship you possess with yourself and your partner as well. Only you can work on the relationship you have with yourself and strive to be a better version. 

  • Spend time with yourself

You can take part in activities that you like or pursue your hobbies. Spend some alone time with yourself. This will help you understand what you want in life and will help to know yourself even more. You may sometimes feel it’s tough to be with yourself but don’t give up.

Even when you’re married, it is crucial that you do not lose yourself. Ensuring your happiness & peace of mind depends on you. You must never play the blame game. Only you are responsible for the choices you make in life.

3. Roles in a relationship

In most marriages, either the husband or the wife plays a starring role. Whereas, the other one acts as the ‘supporting cast’. This happens as when either the man or the woman seeks attention from their partner. It is important that you talk to your spouse about how you feel. You must never suffer from an ‘identity crisis’.

Not all relationships are proportionate. So, it is up to you to talk to your spouse about the things you like and dislike before any resentment builds up. It would be wise for you to share some of the limelight with your partner as well. This will undoubtedly make them feel more confident about themselves.

4. How to recover from losing yourself in a relationship?

Spouses must know their responsibility and try not to give away their identity. You must understand the limits of your partner as well. As a couple, you must never be self-centered. It is crucial for you to examine how you handle power, superiority & inferiority.


If you feel you’ve lost yourself in the marriage, then it is your responsibility for you to talk to your partner about it. It is important that you reserve some time for yourself and do what you like. Spending some alone time with yourself can do wonders. If you face difficulties in decoding your feelings, then it is always wise to talk to a professional therapist to untangle everything.

You can also reach out to close friends and family members and talk about your feelings. If you have a healthy relationship with your partner, then it will help you grow on a personal level as well. As a couple, you must be ready to make sacrifices. Otherwise, it would not foster a good relationship. You must work on yourselves individually before you can operate together as a unit.    

Talha Ubaidullah
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