Marital bond is a sacred union in Islam, cherished for its ability to foster love, compassion, and mutual support. Yet, despite the sanctity of marriage, there are moments when the bond between spouses becomes strained beyond repair.
In Islamic Sharia, there is no specific time frame or threshold that determines when it’s too late to save a marriage. However, persistent conflict, repeated betrayals, chronic resentment and abuse can contribute to irreparable damage within the marital relationship, which may lead to divorce.
A Sahih (Darussalam) Hadith found in Sunan Ibn Majah 2018, Abdullah bin ‘Umar narrates that the Messenger of Allah (S) stated:
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This emphasizes the severity of divorce in Islam and underscores the importance of exhausting all avenues to reconcile differences and preserve the marital bond.
We will discuss some potential contributors to irreparable problems within marriages and explore the teachings of Islam about navigating such challenges while maintaining marital sanctity.
When Is It Too Late to Save a Marriage: Potential Contributors
There are many reasons why a marriage may begin to deteriorate. Some of the most common factors that can contribute to irreparable damage within the bond between spouses include:
- Persistent Conflict and Neglect
- Repeated Betrayals
- Chronic Resentment or Bitterness
- Abuse and Violence
- Continuous Contemptuous Behavior
- Emotional Detachment
- Unwillingness to Change and Refusal of Islamic Duties
Now, let’s explore each of these factors and what Islam teaches about them.
Persistent Conflict and Neglect
Continual conflict and neglect in marriage lead to the erosion of its foundation, which needs careful attention and resolution. The bond between spouses can gradually deteriorate as a result of continuous strife and disregard for one another’s needs.
In Islam, it’s essential to address these issues proactively through open communication, willingness to compromise, and seeking guidance from elders or professionals if necessary.
In Surah Ali ‘Imran (3:134), Allah (SWT) states,
ٱلَّذِينَ يُنفِقُونَ فِى ٱلسَّرَّآءِ وَٱلضَّرَّآءِ وَٱلْكَـٰظِمِينَ ٱلْغَيْظَ وَٱلْعَافِينَ عَنِ ٱلنَّاسِ ۗ وَٱللَّهُ يُحِبُّ ٱلْمُحْسِنِينَ ١٣٤
˹They are˺ those who donate in prosperity and adversity, control their anger, and pardon others. And Allah loves the good-doers.
This verse highlights the importance of patience, forgiveness, and self-control. As Muslims, it’s crucial to strive towards these qualities in our marriages and seek Allah’s help in resolving conflicts.
Repeated Betrayals
Repeated betrayals, particularly infidelity, severely fracture the trust that forms the cornerstone of any Islamic marriage. Islam values trust as pivotal, with the Quran emphasizing the importance of being truthful in trusts and covenants.
In Surah Al-Mu’minun (23:8), Allah (SWT) states,
وَٱلَّذِينَ هُمْ لِأَمَـٰنَـٰتِهِمْ وَعَهْدِهِمْ رَٰعُونَ
˹The believers are also˺ those who are true to their trusts and covenants;
So, every Muslim must strive to be trustworthy and loyal in their marriage. Counseling and addressing the root causes of betrayal are essential steps to take.
Chronic Resentment or Bitterness
Over time, chronic resentment or bitterness can deeply erode the foundations of a marriage, making reconciliation increasingly challenging. In Islam, persistent feelings of resentment, despite sincere efforts to resolve them, may signify deeper relational issues.
The Quran emphasizes the virtue of forgiveness in maintaining harmony. Specifically, Quran 42:40 advocates for pardoning and seeking reconciliation, noting that such actions are rewarded by Allah, who disapproves of wrongdoing.
When spouses harbor ongoing bitterness, it can poison their relationship, obstructing the healing process.
Addressing these emotions might require professional counseling or mediation to explore underlying causes and facilitate a path toward forgiveness and recovery, aligning with Islamic teachings on reconciliation and peace.
Abuse and Violence
Abuse and violence in marriage are serious issues that require immediate intervention, which may lead to divorce.
In Islam, unequivocally condemning all forms of abuse and violence, whether physical, emotional, or psychological, the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) emphasized the importance of treating one’s spouse with utmost respect and kindness.
As stated in a Hadith found in Riyad as-Salihin 278, Abu Hurairah (May Allah be pleased with him) reported: “Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said,
The believers who show the most perfect Faith are those who have the best behavior, and the best of you are those who are the best to their wives‘.
This Hadith underscores the obligation to treat one’s spouse with dignity and compassion, rejecting any form of abuse or violence.
Additionally, another Hadith found in Riyad as-Salihin 224, Nu’man bin Bashir (May Allah be pleased with them) reported:
Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said, “The believers in their mutual kindness, compassion and sympathy are just like one body. When one of the limbs suffers, the whole body responds to it with wakefulness and fever“.
This Hadith emphasizes the sanctity of a marital bond and the need to protect it from harm, as any injury to one spouse affects the entire relationship. Therefore, it’s crucial to address abuse and violence promptly to preserve the marriage or seek separation if necessary.
Continuous Contemptuous Behavior
Continuous contemptuous behavior severely undermines the foundations of a marriage, as Islam teaches the importance of respect and kindness between spouses.
When one partner constantly disrespects, belittles, or humiliates the other, it not only breaches Islamic teachings but also poisons the relationship’s core.
Mutual respect, kindness, and compassion are central in Islam, emphasizing how vital these elements are for a harmonious marital life. If such negative behavior persists despite attempts to rectify it, it might signal a deep-seated lack of compatibility or respect.
This condition can be a significant indicator that saving the marriage may no longer be feasible, as the continual contempt erodes the mutual love and respect required for a sustainable Islamic marriage.
Emotional Detachment
Emotional detachment in a marriage often marks a significant turning point, potentially signaling deep-seated issues that could hinder the relationship’s recovery.
In Islam, emotional connection between spouses is crucial; it’s seen as a reflection of divine signs of compassion and mercy as mentioned in Surah Ar-Rum (30:21), in which Allah states:
وَمِنْ ءَايَـٰتِهِۦٓ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُم مِّنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَٰجًۭا لِّتَسْكُنُوٓا۟ إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُم مَّوَدَّةًۭ وَرَحْمَةً ۚ إِنَّ فِى ذَٰلِكَ لَـَٔايَـٰتٍۢ لِّقَوْمٍۢ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ ٢١
“And one of His signs is that He created for you spouses from among yourselves so that you may find comfort in them. And He has placed between you compassion and mercy. Surely in this are signs for people who reflect.”
When spouses become emotionally detached, it might indicate issues like a breakdown in communication or a loss of intimacy. Addressing these problems often involves open communication, shared activities, and sometimes, seeking counseling.
If efforts to rekindle the emotional bond don’t succeed, it may suggest that the differences are irreconcilable, making it challenging to restore the marital bond as envisioned in Islamic teachings.
Unwillingness to Change and Refusal of Islamic Duties
In marriages where one partner consistently resists changing detrimental behaviors or attitudes, the likelihood of successful reconciliation diminishes. This steadfast refusal not only blocks personal growth but also hampers the spiritual and emotional bond crucial in Islamic marriages.
When a spouse neglects Islamic duties such as prayer, fasting, and charity, it further strains the relationship. Islam places a high value on these practices to maintain both individual and communal harmony.
Furthermore, engaging in sinful behavior without seeking repentance can severely erode trust and undermine the marital bond.
Islam urges repentance and forgiveness, yet a persistent refusal to adhere to these principles might suggest that the differences are truly irreconcilable, making it challenging to salvage the marriage.
Uphold the Sanctity of Marriage through Compassion and Perseverance
While there is no definitive point at which it becomes too late to save a marriage in Islam, prolonged conflict, repeated betrayals, chronic resentment, and abuse can cause irreparable harm within the marital relationship.
Islam emphasizes the sanctity of marriage and encourages exhausting all avenues to reconcile differences before considering divorce, as highlighted in the Hadith emphasizing the dislike of divorce by Allah.
Therefore, it’s imperative for couples facing marital challenges to seek guidance, support, and counseling and to earnestly strive to address underlying issues. Also, both partners need to uphold Islamic values of compassion, forgiveness, and perseverance to safeguard their marriage’s sanctity.
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